"Good afternoon, Mr. Vinod. How may I help you?"
"Yeah. Um, I need to untune all business news channels."
"Sir?"
"I don't want any of the business news channels."
"Sir, um, you can change your plan to..."
"Dude, I don't want to change any plans. I'll lose some other channels that I want. I just want to untune the business channels."
"Sir, I'm sorry, we cant offer you a service without the business channels. You will have to pay for them."
"Dude, I'll pay for the business channels. But I don't want them on my TV."
"Sir, maybe you can
not view those channels."
"Mister, I don't want even the names of those channels to appear on my TV."
Sarvesh, who had been working at the call centre for three months, was inquisitive by nature, "Mr. Vinod, have you lost on the markets?"
"No..." Vinod reflected for a second and said, "Actually, you could say that!"
"Sir, the markets are like that. You win some, you lose some."
"Dude, with all due respect, I don't want random gyaan from a Tata Sky customer care guy."
"Mr. Vinod, I'm sorry to inform you that untuning is not possible in Tata Sky. Is there any other service that I may be of, Mr. Vinod?"
"If you could stop being this polite, it may be of great service."
"Sir, please, we're only trying to help."
"You've just lost yourself a customer."
"Have a nice day, sir."
Vinod was amazed by the practiced politeness. He was also irritated by it. How could the voice maintain that fake niceness even when the voice at the other end was being downright rude? How could the voice tell him to have a nice day, when it was clear that there was no way he was going to? Wait a second, was that an actual person, or was it a computer? Perhaps the standard messages are saved on a computer and played back. Anyway, Vinod stayed true to his word. He got a local cable operator, and untuned all business channels manually.
He had to show more signs of disappointment. He took to alcohol with a vengeance. Given his capacity, vengeance wasn't very expensive monetarily, but was expensive otherwise. First, he was at this club where people danced, and this night was particularly couply. He looked around to see everyone in love, and everyone being loved back. He buried himself in more alcohol. A few days later, some neighbour wrote to the building society, '
He is drunk each night and is coming to my house asking for lemon and sugar to make lime juice to finish his vodka. He is also telling me that my wife and someone from her workplace are having an affair because all women are having affairs in their office.' Vinod was asked to leave the building. His desperate pleas were shown the finger, literally. His landlady, the anonymous voice-on-the-phone, asked him to come over to her place for dinner. Vinod was stunned. As it turned out, she had another flat just above the one she was staying in, but it was twice as expensive. She had a solution for that too. She knew a girl who was willing to share the flat with someone agreeable. A meeting of the two was arranged.
"Hi. I'm Teena."
"That's your name?"
"Unofficially, yes."
"What are you, a struggling porn star?"
"No. I'm Sardarni."
"Hardcore."
"I'll ignore that. My real name is..."
"Gurinder?"
"Jaspinder."
"Hi. I'm Vinod. I'm awfully rude."
"The lady told me you have a slight drinking problem."
"Very slight."
"I think we'll get along fine! I too have a very slight drinking problem"
"I have one issue, though."
"What?"
"Nothing can ever happen between us."
"You're awfully subtle, aren't you?"
"Subtle Subramanian, that's me," Vinod said, beaming.
"Oh, I have one issue too."
"What?"
"I'm Teena with two 'e's. Not Tina with an 'i'."
"T-E-E-N-A. Ok. Can I crack a really bad joke about your name?"
"Go ahead."
"So, you're a kind of battery!"
"Battery?"
"Teen-a, triple-a, AAA..."
"We will definitely get along fine!"
"One more issue - no Tata Sky or Dish TV or any other set top box. Only the local cable guy."
"Why?"
"Irrelevant. I am going to untune some channels, and we leave it at that. You don't invest in the markets, do you?"
"No."
"Then fine."
"Fine!"
"Oh, last issue."
"What?"
"My mum doesn't know I'm living with a girl, or that I lost my earlier flat due to drinking issues."
"Yeah, I don't envisage speaking to your mum anyway."
Vinod found out soon that the landlady, anonymous and unfriendly as she was, knew a fair bit about his life, and had passed on all the information to Teena with two 'e's.
"So, that newsreader dumped you for that other guy on the news..."
"Actually, we weren't going out. She had this other boyfriend - a complete asshole."
"All
other boyfriends are complete assholes."
"This was one particularly complete. Anyway, she used to hang out with me much more, and I, well, I liked her. I was just waiting for her to break up with that guy, because, you know, he was, um, a complete asshole. And then, I was away for four days. When I came back, she'd dumped this complete asshole for another complete asshole."
"The other guy on the news?"
"Yeah. Also a complete asshole."
"Particularly complete?"
"Even more particularly complete than the previous guy."
"So, you got drunk and made phone calls professing love and all that?"
"No. I just got drunk and troubled people around me. I was very sober around her."
"Fascinating story."
"I know. One day, some jobless dude will write the whole thing!"
"And some other jobless dude will make a movie."
"No. No movie. There isn't enough masala for that!"
"Are you over her now?"
"No!"
"But you're drinking a lot less."
"Oh, I don't enjoy drinking. I was doing that whole act to be depressed. Plus, she was the only friend I had in Bombay. So, I was slightly upset."
"You don't talk to each other now."
"We do. Its just that every time I look at her, these vague concepts of trust and justice keep running through my head. I cant handle it. So, I don't really talk to her much."
"You know what you should do - you should talk to all your ex-girlfriends and tell them that you love them. It helps."
"Rubbish."
I'm telling you. I do that all the time."
"Yeah?"
"Ok, there are only two of them."
"Call the first one. And put it on speaker."
Vinod called. A guy picked up the phone.
"Hello?"
"Um, hi. Um, Gul around?"
"Yeah. One sec. Who is this?"
"Vinod."
"Oh. You're the ex, eh?"
"Yeah."
"Gul! Call for you."
Teena asked, "Her name's Gul? I thought you were a good South Indian boy with good South Indian girlfriends."
"Vinod!" Gul said.
"Hi. I hear you call yourself Mira these days?"
"Yeah. People in Madras don't understand Gul. And in my line of business, that's an important part of my existence."
"I also hear you did an item number?"
"Yeah. A very sexy one. With Vijay."
"I saw it. Too sexy."
"And a couple of ads."
"I saw one of those also."
"Don't ask me about them!"
"Hehe. So, are you a Mira with an 'i' or a Meera with two 'e's?"
"With an 'i'."
"You'll never succeed in Madras."
"Why?"
"They don't understand economy of spelling. Actually, you should just stick to Gul. I mean, if they can recognise Simran, Devayani and Nayantara as legitimate names, they can understand Gul also."
"In everyday life, its a pain, I'm telling you. Every mami asks me, 'Gul-aa? What sort of a name is that?! Short for Gulabi-aa?' Once I replied with 'No. Short for Gajalakshmi.' That mami, lives downstairs, still calls me Gaja."
"Oh, by the way, who's the guy who picked up the phone? New boyfriend-aa?"
"No. Just a friend of sorts. He's a writer - writes a fairly popular series on bytheway.in."
"'
The Pujari's Son'?"
"Yeah! You read that? I'm impressed. Maybe I shouldn't have dumped you at all."
"Honestly, I don't read that. I find it boring. But there are these two chicks in the office raving about it all the time. Anyway, the purpose of this phone call is to tell you that I love you."
There was deafening silence for a couple of seconds. Then there was a click, followed by beeping.
Teena with two 'e's was laughing like a villain in a devotional serial.
"Bitch! I cant believe I did that for your entertainment!" Vinod looked at Teena laughing away, and realised that she was pretty in her own way. He got up, walked towards her and sat next to her with lustful eyes. She got up and walked to the kitchen to make tea. The moment had passed. Vinod realised he was being stupid and desperate. Yet, in some way, life felt better.
***
Sen and Lila's marriage announcement was an event amongst the entire investor community. It wasn't meant to be, but the channel took advantage of their relationship to boost TRPs. Sen regretted for the rest of his life that the decision to get married was made on the twelfth of February, because on the fourteenth, the channel had heart-shaped balloons all over the set on the Breakfast Show, and announced their romance before and after each commercial break with cute footage of the two talking off the sets. Given their producer's weird brand of humour, 'Video Killed the Radio Star' played in the background. Both Sen and Lila were visibly flushed, and Sen even once refused to stop talking to allow the commercial break to come. The producer screamed through their ear-pieces, "Break time, suckers! Stop talking!!" Finally, he cut Sen mid-sentence, and played the clip twice in revenge before going into the break.
That evening, Lila called Vinod. "What are you doing on Saturday?"
"Nothing."
"Come home for dinner?"
"Sen's also there?"
"No. Just me. You've never been to my place, and I'm going to leave it after marriage. So, I just thought you could come over and see it."
"Sure."
Vinod reached her place early on Saturday. As usual. The door was locked, and a sign said, "
Vin, if you're early, just wait outside. I'm going to be late."
Vinod sat at the door and contemplated life. He was living with a woman he would have been in love with if he weren't already in love with someone else. And he'd been in love with this someone else for too long after she had become unattainable - four months, after all, was a long time. And now, the whole deal was sealed. She was marrying the other guy.
His Inner Voice said, "Dude, I've been telling you for ages. Just ask her out. I mean, today, you have nothing to lose. Just do it."
"I cant."
"Fucker, this is just like that Veena you have at home and lug around each time you move. You're never going to play it, but you refuse to sell it!"
"Lets see how things go."
"Fuckin' loser."
"Fuck you."
Just then, Lila arrived. She opened the door and let him in. Vinod saw the dreaded poster on the wall.
"That's the singer who was close to Fidel Castro," she said pointing to the poster that had 'Revolucion' emblazoned across it, and laughed almost endlessly.
"Okay, fine. I'm ignorant. You've said that a million times in a million different ways." Vinod declared indignantly.
"I can understand ignorance, but thinking that Che Guevara was a singer close to Castro..."
"Tell me, why would rock music loving, weed smoking, youth in India who haven't lifted a finger for any cause have posters and T-shirts of a revolutionary in South America? I think I'm entitled to assume that he was a rock star."
***
Vinod had no idea where this bus was going. But he needed the time to think about what had happened, and he needed a place where no one would bother him. The events of the last six months had left him feeling like a character from The Bold and the Beautiful, only that he was neither bold nor beautiful. Maybe some jobless guy would actually sit and write his story, and other jobless people would read. He then contemplated writing an autobiography. Or a self-help book, "The Nine Spiritual Laws of Knowing Hot Women, But Not Being Able To Do Them". What he failed to comprehend most was Lila's latest move. She'd given him reasons for why she did took that step, but they failed to make any sense. Teena was away travelling in Vietnam and Cambodia, leaving him with no one to discuss his predicament with.
There were three people in a seat meant for two already. A fourth man came and asked, "Saar, ad-jesht?" Vinod made space for him. It was amazing how if you indulged in a little ad-jeshting, there was space for everyone. Why didn't Lila understand that? Two people got off at the next stop, and eight others entered the bus that looked like a stampede on wheels. An express bus overtook the ordinary one. The contrast was stark - you could see the windows on the side not facing you! Two bucks more, and Madrasis refused to take the express! Vinod got off at the next stop and took an express bus that was going to some place on the East Coast Road. Vinod remembered how Lila was surprised that Madras should have an East Coast Road given that it had no West Coast. "All coastal roads are technically East Coast Roads!" she'd said. This was on that night on Marina Beach. The night before she left him.
In a flash of inspiration, Vinod knew exactly what he had to do. He got off at the next stop, somewhere on the East Coast Road and made a phone call.
"Hello," the voice on the other end said.
"Hello aunty, Vinod here. Subramanian. Upstairs..."
"Oh! Hi! Long time!"
"Aunty, you have KC's number?"
***
He nearly kissed her when a tut-tutting mama walked past. The moment was gone. He had to work up courage and romance all over again. She made the job easy by looking into his eyes lasciviously. He moved again, but a group of kids screamed and ran into the water. He thought one of them said, "Anne! Full heat-aa? Control, control!" She rolled her eyes and stared into the sea again.
KC, observing from a distance, guessed that these two were college students who were hoping the Thiruvanmiyur beach would be slightly quieter and more private. Soon, their horniness would lead them to save up for a room.
Just then, Vinod landed up. He had a speech ready for the occasion. Only, when he saw KC, he couldn't deliver it.
"Hi!" she said.
"Hi. What's up?"
She stared at him blankly. "You didn't ask me to come urgently all the way from Mylapore to ask me what was up, did you?"
"No. I have important matters to discuss."
"Are you going to ask me out?"
"No. Why would you think that?"
"Valentine's was just eight months ago!"
"Do I look like the Valentine's type guy?"
"Duh! Obviously!"
"Ok. No. This is something else."
"About that newsreader?"
"How does everyone know?! I mean, the channel website only has discussion groups about her and the other newsreader, right?"
"Yeah. But The last time I saw you, almost two years ago at Mondy's, you were seeing her. And you do tend to obsess about women for a long time..."
"Don't say that, please."
"You liked me from the ninth standard till you started going to college."
"Tenth standard."
"Anyway, what about her? She's marrying the other guy, and you're depressed."
"Pretty much, yeah."
"So, when did the break-up happen?"
"Long story. See, when you saw us two years ago, and she said that she was my girlfriend, well, she wasn't. And then, she started seeing that guy. Then, they decided to get married. Then, I swooped in. She dumped him. I started going out with her!"
"Woah! When was this?!"
"Two days after Valentine's!"
"See! You are the Valentine's type guy."
***
Vinod got up in the morning and found Lila in his arms. He could hardly believe the events of the previous night. He wanted to send a mass message to the world telling them what happened. He turned his phone on. Almost as soon as it caught network, eleven messages arrived. All from the same number - Sen. All with the same message, "
Bastard!"
Later in the day, when he checked his mail, there was an email from Sen along similar lines.
Bastard,
What the fuck are you doing with my girl?
I've been nice to you all these days only because you were her friend. Personally, I think you're not only a two-timing, dim-witted, boring, opinion-less, characterless loser, but also a dirty, ugly, long-nosed, french-bearded, alcoholic excuse for a software engineer. I have a list of people I think of to feel better about my existence, and you top that list. In fact, there is nobody else on that list. Oh wait, Amar Singh may figure once in a while.
This will not last. Fucker, she deserves better than some choot who doesn't even know if Enola was really gay. I'd be surprised if you even understood what that meant. I'll save you the trouble of googling it - click here.
Fuck you once again,
Sen.
In a friendly green, at the end of the mail, his signature screamed:
Save a Tree! Please do not print this email/ attachments unless you really need to.
Vinod printed nine copies of the email. Life was looking up already.
***
"Yeah. Then, we were going out. She moved into my place, because Teena moved to the US."
"Teena?"
"Another long story. Irrelevant. I was staying with this girl, Teena, who moved out."
"So, your place was like this proper sex pad, eh? One chick leaves, another comes."
"No, it was more like the headquarters of Alcoholics Anonymous. Anyway, to continue with the story, Lila and I came to Madras. We took a couple of weeks off, and spent them here. She'd never seen Madras before, so I was showing her around. Yesterday, we were supposed to leave for Bombay. She left, and I stayed back."
"Why?"
***
Vinod's lasting image of Madras was of driving up the bridge to catch a proper glimpse of Central Station. He had vivid early memories of seeing that clock tower with his grandfather sitting by him declaring, "Station vandaachu!" in his usual jolly tone. It was a sight that was often associated with a mix of nostalgia and relief. Nostalgia because he'd remember all the previous holidays in Madras, and relief because he'd be back to playing cricket in familiar gullies. The ones where he played in had the strangest rules - you could be out if the ball hit the tree and a player caught it on the rebound!
This time, there was more nostalgia, and more recent nostalgia - for the expression on Lila's face when she first tasted authentic ghee uthappam, for the conversation she had with his grandfather on love and marriage, for the time they spent walking aimlessly up and down Pondy Bazaar, for the last night on Marina Beach.
When they settled themselves in their First AC cubicle, Lila said, "Listen, we need to talk."
"Talk!"
"No, this is like a more serious version of the talk."
"Yeah, tell me."
"Ok. I think we should end this."
Vinod stared at her blankly.
"Ok," she tried again, "Its tough, but we just have to. I can explain it to you, but you'll never understand the reason."
"Its because I'm stupid and ignorant, right? I can change. I can read World War books and find out if Enola was really gay."
"Its not because you're stupid..."
"Then because my face is to one side. I told you, I'll get plastic surgery done!"
"No, its not that either. You wont understand. You're better off not knowing."
"I have to know!!"
"Ok. Here goes. I haven't practiced this speech, so excuse me if it doesn't come out clearly. Basically, I think you like me too much. Wait. Before you react, let me explain further. Thing is, in a relationship, the guy and the girl need to like each other equally, or at least as close to equally as they can be. You like me too much."
"How is that an issue?!"
"See, it makes me feel guilty each time, when I see you like me this much. Because I cant like you back as much."
"I'm fine with that!"
"But I'm not."
Vinod got off at the next station to buy water, and did get back on. Lila stared at him out of the window, and his knees felt weak. He sat on the platform and watched the back of the train till it disappeared.
***
"Fuck!" KC said.
"I must have said that a thousand times in the last few hours."
They stared at the sea for a long time in silence before Vinod asked, "So, what's up with you?"
"I'm moving to the US - got into University there."
"Excited?"
"Yeah, and nervous."
"That happens, I guess."
"You know, the biggest dilemma I'm in right now is that I cant even tell you the usual things like, 'These things happen,' or 'Everyone has their problems,' because yours is more than a problem!"
"But its true. These things happen. Everyone does have their own problems."
***
A third girl dumped Sharma in two years, and this one did it one week after marriage. Out of frustration, he called a call girl over to his place. She was hotter than he'd expected her to be - his expectations weren't very high after all the Hindi movies he'd seen. She settled herself on his sofa as the bell rang. He opened the door to see his wife, in tears. She just about said sorry when she noticed the call girl in neglige on his sofa.
She stormed out, Sharma ran in pursuit, but tripped down the stairs and fractured his leg. To top it all, his only source of entertainment at home, his DVD player, stopped working.
***
Nestle's new head undertook fresh penance for a new baby. Sen's face couldn't remain on the box for more than twenty six years!
***
Akshay stared at the image of Asterix in love on the last page of Asterix the Legionary for a really long time. Panacea reminded him of the girl he gave a lift to two years ago. He wondered if she'd found her Tragicomix. He remembered all those days when he took a taxi to work hoping she'd be waiting on that kerb again. Meanwhile, his wife hollered away in the background - something about him having forgotten to switch the geyser off.
***
"She doesn't take this lift during my shift anymore," the liftman said.
"I know! I think we should make a petition to get her back on the Breakfast Show! I mean my health is just going for a toss - I haven't had breakfast in months!"
"Boss, I'm glad," Ravi said, "I was getting sick of anchoring re-runs of old stories night after night! At least, on the Breakfast Show, there's something new each morning!"
***
Vinod's landlady in Madras passed away after prolonged sickness. Her husband was forced to move to the US at the age of seventy-eight to live with his son. He sold his house in Adyar to some builders who took two months to convert it into posh apartments. Amongst his belongings he insisted on taking to the US were a folding easy-chair and a steel coffee filter.
***
Adarsh read the letter that came along with the DVD:
Hi,
Found this in my son's stuff. Our story, really...
Your Saali,
NeetaAdarsh got off the taxi, and paid the driver while still staring at the letter. An earnest looking young man with a ridiculous curl on his forehead got in almost immediately. It was when the taxi sped away that he realised that he'd left the DVD behind.
***
Raju Bhai walked into Mondegar alone for the first time in two years. The table next to him had a large group of regulars - a college gang that almost lived there. There was more noise from that table than usual. Raju didn't know that they had just finished college. As the third beer made its way down his system, the images that were haunting him grew clearer - images of narrow gullies with open sewers, a chase involving two men in lungis and muftied policemen, bullets flying in both directions. The most powerful of those images was that of Ganesh getting shot - thrice - leaving his T-shirt more maroon than white. Soon, another image flashed before him - of the two of them sitting at the corner table, talking in hushed tones and erupting into volcanoes of laughter.
***
Lila reached Bombay and saw a familiar face at the Railway Station. It was her schoolteacher - the one who had said those prophetic, immortal words, "You chose the wrong prince, dear." She was excited to see Lila, and said, "I always knew you'd make it big!" A man looking worried caught up with the teacher and told Lila suddenly, "I'm sorry. My mother's forgetting everything these days. Talks a lot of trash. I'm sorry if she bothered you."
"No, she remembered me. I was her student in school!"
Suddenly, the lady said, "Yes. I taught you African history, didn't I?"
***
"Lets go?" KC asked.
"Nah, go ahead. I need some time to myself."
It was fairly late at night. High tide pushed Vinod back more into land. He found a high rock and settled himself on it. As dawn approached, Vinod sat alone on the beach watching old mamas and mamis in sweaters, monkey caps and mufflers. It must have been twenty-three degrees at least, but in Madras, given its usual weather, this was peak winter. He allowed himself a little smile. The waves hit the shore listlessly, almost as if they were bored of doing the same thing for centuries. Or maybe there was a hint of sadness in their behaviour.
He stared at them until a little drop of salty water was waiting to break free from his eyes and run down his cheek. He held it back, got up, and drove away into the city as dawn eased into a bright morning.
***
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