The Bestest

A cricket post after quite long.
***

Some days ago, I undertook the arduous task of picking a team of the greatest eleven from a century-and-a-quarter of Test Cricket. The task was made trickier by a shortlist of eighty-eight players who made their country elevens. Sanath Jayasuriya was available for selection, but not Herbert Sutcliffe or WG Grace, Chaminda Vaas was there, but no Courtney Walsh or Joel Garner, Prasanna wasn't allowed, while Underwood was. You could argue, of course, that if a player didn't make his country eleven without question, he can't be on the all-time eleven. But logic and all-time lists aren't happy bedfellows. You compare and choose players you haven't even seen. I know Sachin's genius like I will never know Hammond's or Ponsford's. Yet, I have to select one. Similarly, I am forced to give some weight to Sobers' pronouncement on Subash "Fergie" Gupte's genius even though I've never seen him bowl. Statistics guide me, yes, but ultimately, it is a gut-feeling. No, a guess.

For the first opener, I can't look beyond Jack Hobbs. Amongst the early masters of batting, three names stand out the most influential - Grace, Ranji and Hobbs. Grace was the first to develop back-foot and front-foot play - a child learns these osmotically today by just watching people around him bat. Ranji showed the world the art of leg-side play and wrist work. But it was Hobbs who mastered all these principles of batting. He was the coaching manual. A question remains - which Hobbs am I picking - the early, Trumperesque Hobbs, or the post-war Jedi? I don't really know. I'm okay with either. Opening with Hobbs, I would have loved Sutcliffe - Hobbs' long-time collaborator at Surrey and England, and an expert on batting on unplayable wet wickets. His sixty-plus average is still the highest for an opener with over 4000 runs. But the England eleven went for the other stalwart, Len Hutton instead. So, I chose the greatest modern opener to partner Hobbs - Virender Sehwag. If Hobbs conquered the complex art of batting, Sehwag simplifies it. Which is why I think they would make such a great pair - at one end, you would have the calm, solid, immovable genius, and at the other end, an edgy, unpredictable, frightening one. For the record, Hutton and Gavaskar were probably better batsmen than Sehwag, simply because they played against much fiercer bowling in more difficult conditions. But I'm choosing a pair of openers, and not the two best. Which is why Sehwag makes it.

In the middle order, Don Bradman is a no brainer. Critics say that the bowling he faced wasn't as good, the fielding was poorer and he played all his cricket only against three teams, but ignore the fact that there were uncovered pitches, primitive protective gear, inferior bats. I think if you made adjustments for all this with a sophisticated statistics model, you would find that Bradman's record would remain untarnished. No batsman has ever scored even nearly as heavily, consistently and quickly as Bradman. He's in at No. 3. George Headley, the "Black Bradman" is the second middle order batsman. The first great black West Indian batsman, he played only twenty-odd Test Matches, but scored runs at an average of over 60 in a batting line-up where he accounted for nearly half the team's output. Until the Ws made their appearance, Headley was the West Indies' only world-class batsman. Batting in an order like that would have had an effect on his batting, as he found himself battling with the tail very quickly. Still, he managed that average, that record and had such an impact on the game that his loving fans described Bradman as the "White Headley", and Ramachandra Guha describes him as the greatest West Indian batsman ever - even above Lara and Richards.

Arguably, the most complete cricketer of all time, Sobers was born to play the game. He was one of the greatest batsmen of all time, he could bowl spin and medium pace and was a great fielder. He walks into the team as a batsman and an extra bowler. So far, the middle order has selected itself. Now comes the difficult part - picking one between Lara, the two Richards (Viv and Barry), Chappell, Hammond and Tendulkar - a list so diverse and distinguished that it would be criminal to leave anyone out. Ultimately, I went for the most complete batsmen I've seen - one of those guesses - and chose Sachin Tendulkar. For all the allegations on not finishing games, or scoring against weaker teams, Sachin Tendulkar remains the purest, most selfless, most beautiful, batsman of the last two decades. He has invented shots - the guide over the slip cordon, that perfect straight bat while playing the paddle sweep behind the keeper, that cover-drive on the up, or those million ways in which he manufactures singles of absolutely any ball.

This brings us to the wicketkeeper. When the batting line-up has Hobbs, Sehwag, Bradman, Headley, Sobers and Sachin, the wicketkeeper need not be a great batsman. Even as far as wicketkeeper batsmen go, Andy Flower, whose batting I rate higher than Gilchrist or Sangakkara is not available. When I chose the list on cricinfo, I picked Sangakkara. But after some research, I'd rather go with Alan Knott, who stands up there with the most skillful keepers of all time. Knott's art came to the forefront when he stood up to Underwood on wet wickets in the County circuit, when each ball had a mind of its own, and Knott still managed to collect them noiselessly. When you have Sydney Barnes swinging and spinning at the same time, and Muralitharan flummoxing batsmen with his doosra, there better be a keeper who can keep pace with what is thrown at him - the batsman isn't going to touch much.

This leaves us with the bowlers. The combination I prefer is two quicks and two spinners with Sobers bowling according to the pitch, and Tendulkar pitching in if another hand is required. Malcolm Marshall, with his extreme speed, skid, seam, swerve, swing and smartness picks himself. He was the greatest fast bowler of them all - at an unconventional five-feet-ten, and a bustling open-chested action, he could decimate batting orders. Ask England - he bowled once with his left hand fractured and still destroyed them. Just like Ranji invented leg-side play and changed the way the game was played, the Pakistani quartet of Nawaz, Imran, Akram and Younis rejuvenated old-ball bowling with reverse swing. The most skilled of that lot was Akram, bowling with the cleanest of actions and doing things with the ball that pacemen before and after him have only dreamt of. Plus, he adds left-arm variety to the attack.

Sydney Barnes was an unclassifiable bowler. He bowled a cocktail of swing, seam and spin - it was hard to tell one from another. He bowled at a Kumble-esque pace, and made turned the ball as much as O'Reilly or Warne. When someone remarked that O'Reilly was a better bowler because he bowled the googly, Barnes said, "I didn't need to." A temperamental character, he once bowled badly because his captain refused to give him the new ball. He skipped a Test Match because the English Board refused to pay for his wife's accommodation. The reason he makes it here, quite apart from his incredible numbers, is because for three generations (he played cricket for almost forty years), batsmen said he was the greatest of them all. The slot for the second spinner is a toss up between the game's two most successful - Warne and Muralitharan. Arguably, Warne was more skilful, while Murali was more successful. Warne bowled, very often, when teams had been softened by McGrath and Gillespie before him. Murali bowled when batsmen were well warmed up. Warne bowled in spinner-unfriendly, bouncy Australian tracks, but Murali bowled on pitches that were built for him. The litmus test, for me, is how they fared against the best players of spin of their generation. On this analysis, Warne, for all his wizardry, comes a distant second. Murali might not have murdered India like he did England, but he did trouble India more than any other spinner had done since Richie Benaud. Murali, in one sense, was like George Headley - he was the only world-class bowler amongst a string of also-rans. He had more opportunities, therefore, but he had more pressure as well. He rose to the challenge and ended up as the greatest matchwinner of all time. For that, he makes it as my No. 11. (This is also a change from the selection I made on cricinfo.)

The team, in batting order:
Jack Hobbs, Virender Sehwag, Don Bradman, George Headley, Sachin Tendulkar, Gary Sobers, Alan Knott, Wasim Akram, Malcolm Marshall, Muttiah Muralitharan, Sydney Barnes.
Twelfth Man - Sunil Gavaskar. (If the pitch is difficult, or the opposing team has West Indian fast bowlers of the 80s, Gavaskar sneaks in ahead of Sehwag.)

Image

I was almost seventeen-and-a-half when I saw a bus held back from falling headlong into a river by a mesh of electric wires; this was after I had jumped out of the driver's seat of the bus. I had successfully cracked an exam the previous evening, one that defines my existence to this day, but that didn't matter. My big story for the next few weeks was that my overnight bus was nearly thrown into the Pangala River. "You should've seen it, mare. Too good!"

I was nearly twenty-six last week when another overnight bus nearly killed me, but killed another man, and injured at least three more. I wasn't awakened by the jolt this time. I was there in the thick of the action, standing a few feet behind the driver, begging him to stop at a place from where I could take a share auto. One moment, the conductor cackled, "Non-stop! Central!" and the next moment, he gasped.

The mind calculates really quickly, or time slows down, I don't know - it just takes a second for you to know that you're done for. And another second for impact. I was too scared to look. I opened my eyes to shattered glass, screaming, commotion, and a yellow van that had fallen on another taxi. The mind told me again - my bus hit the yellow van that tumbled over and fell on the taxi. Save for a few small shards of glass on my body, a few scratches, and a diffused pain in my cheek, I was fine.

I noted with relief that the taxi driver made his way out of the taxi, looking shaken, but not injured. I craned over the debris, from inside the bus, to take a look at the yellow van. The driver didn't get out. There was glass everywhere, and blood on it. The driver's body emerged only when people pulled him out. I read the lettering on the side of the van, now facing the sky. "School Bus". Immediately the mind conjured an image - of screaming, bruised schoolchildren, blood, battered bones, broken glass, all struggling to crawl out of the mangled school van.

It was six am, the school bus was empty, and there were no children.

Yet, three days on, this image haunts, turns me into an insomniac, worries me each time I drive, wrecks me when I see an overnight bus. Soon, this image will become a part of that memory, so skilfully woven into what I actually saw, that I will not be able to separate the two.

The mind has a way of numbing the effect of what it has seen, it has its antidotes against what it knows. But against what it imagines, it is powerless.

Witness for the Plaintiff

If this post offends you, it is meant to.
***

The ten-thirty bell signalled tension for both sides. The plaintiff's crucial witness would be cross-examined by the defendant's bewildered lawyer. The large courtroom where the Full Bench of the High Court would sit was a large, airy, cheery, bright room until they installed air-conditioning a few years ago. Now, it looked like early evening throughout the day, and a low hum provided the background noise for complicated litigation.

The lawyer held the witnesses proof affidavit nervously in his hand.

"I state that Rama, also known as Lord Rama (no offence meant to My Lords) Ram (not to be confused with a male sheep), Ramachandra, Raghuvara, Pattabhirama, Kodandarama, Ram Lalla (I did not know this one until this case), Dinamanivamsatilaka, Maryaadapurushottam, Daasaratha etc. was born in Ayodhya in the sanctum sanctorum of a ruined temple. I was present that day, and was one of the sanyasis who performed his naamakarana. I state that a structure was built, around four thousand years later on this very site by invaders."

The defendant's lawyer read the paragraph thrice to make sure he was reading what he was reading. "This guy can't be serious," he told his tired junior, who was poring over volumes of officialese that archaeologists had thrown up. He saw, in the back row of the visitors gallery, a geriatric with long white hair tied up in a ridiculous bun on top of his head, flowing white beard, dressed in saffron attire, sitting cross-legged on the century-old wooden bench, looking irritatingly smug.

The judges entered the courtroom ceremonially, led by three ushers in traditional white-and-red attire and majestic sceptres. Even as they entered, one was giggling, the second was trying to tell the first to stay in control, and the third looked grave. Everyone stood up, and bowed. The judges acknowledged the bow with folded hands. The bench clerk called out, "Item one!" and read out the cause title, and said, "Posted for plaintiff's evidence."

"If it may please your Lordship, I am appearing for the plaintiff. My lord, the matter is posted the cross examination of PW 677."

The bench clerk handed the proof affidavits to the judges, and the senior-most judge said, "Are you ready, counsel?" The defendant's lawyer nodded unsurely.

"Please call the witness."

The plaintiff's lawyer signalled to the gallery, and the old man in saffron robes got up from his seat, and walked confidently to the witness box, where he was administered an oath. The typist recorded on his barely-in-one-piece desktop that the witness was administered oath.

The defendant's lawyer, reading from the affidavit asked, "Shri Shri Shri Shri Shri Shri Shri Shri Shri Satyasivasundarananda..."
"You have one Shri too many," the witness said.
"No, I don't. If your name was Ramesh, I'd say, 'Shri Ramesh'..."
"Oh."
"Out of curiosity," a judge asked, "How do you decide how many Shris you add before your name?"
"In the olden days," the witness expounded, "We added one Shri for every three-hundred years of abstention from Shrimatis. Though sources today tell me that the figure is about three hundred minutes."
The judge giggled. His fellow judge whispered in his ear, "Learned Brother, please behave yourself."
"You state in your affidavit, Shri Shri Shri Shri..."
"I think you can call him 'PW 677'," a judge interjected.
"Much obliged, my lord," he said, looking truly obliged for a change, and turning to the witness, "Shri PW 677, you state that you are about 5010 years old. That would mean that you were born in 3000 BC."
"Wrong. I was born in 2940 BC. You see, we sanyasis are born at the age of sixty. Have you ever seen a twenty-year old sanyasi?"
The defendant's lawyer nodded gravely. The typist duly recorded the evidence. The judge said, "This is fascinating."
"Yeah. So, when I was eighty, someone said I was young and upcoming. I was overjoyed." The typist was about to record this when the judge motioned him to ignore it.
"I wish I was a sanyasi," the giggly judge said, suddenly, "I'm just sixty-one, and I'm retiring in a few months."
"Please ignore my Learned Brother. He's been like this for months. Anticipatory withdrawal symptoms."

The defendant's lawyer picked up a book, and said, "If you are that old, how come you don't figure in this book?"
"What book is that, counsel?" a judge asked.
"The Limca Book of World Records."
"Ho dude, what is that?!" the witness asked, "Looks like I've been away from civilisation for too long. Damn it."
The typist looked at the judge uncomprehendingly. One judge said, "The Limca Book of Records does not mention my name as the Oldest Living Indian."

"You state in your affidavit that you reside at 'Small hillock, K2 backside, Karakoram Range, Gilgit Baltistan, Pakistan'. How do you survive there? What do you eat?"
"I meditate for a few years, and then wake up for a small bite, and then meditate again. I eat snowflakes."
"Snowflakes? How do you eat those?"
"Like you eat cornflakes."
The giggly judge asked, "Ooh. Is it tasty?"
"Of course! Why don't you come home sometime? Bring some milk when you come, and if possible, some bananas, strawberries and honey."
"Honey! Yum!"
"Learned brother! Let us please concentrate on the issues at hand."
"Learned brother, we are writing an 8000 page judgment. Surely one small recipe won't hurt."
The second brother whispered to the third, "Our Learned Brother is acting like he's had too much grass."
"Oh. Is he vegetarian?"

The defendant's lawyer soldiered on, "You state that your occupation was as a rishi and a sub-guru to Dasharatha and Rama after him. What were your duties?"
"My main task was to perform rituals for the princes. Drive away ill omens and the like. And then we taught Sanskrit to our princes, juniors and successors. I was an expert archery theorist. I couldn't shoot an arrow too well, but I could talk about it relentlessly."
"Like Harsha Bhogle," the judge said, guffawing.
"Learned Brother!"
The typist duly recorded these findings.

"Were you personally acquainted with Rama?"
"Oh, of course. I was born only ten years before him. So, even though I was seventy years older, we were contemporaries in a sense." The keyboard clippety-clapped.
"What interactions have you had with him?"
"We used to discuss matters of civil engineering. That helped him build bridges later on. We even enjoyed the occasional drink of soma. That was quite something, not like the drink this lawyer fed me last night - whiskey, he called it. Jack Daniel, apparently."
"Any other interactions?"
Oh, I was also his economics teacher briefly."
"Only briefly?"
"Yeah. Before I could teach him macroeconomics, he went away to fight some gents and ladies in the forest with a senior of mine, and came back married. And once he was married, he had little time for classes."
"Anyway, after marriage, you only need microeconomics," a voice rang.
Another resigned voice said, "Learned Brother..." Then came the clippety-clap of the keyboard.

"What were you doing on the ninth night after the New Moon during the Chaitra month on the day when Rama was born?"
"Dude, I can't reveal all that."
"Did you watch him being born?"
"No, I did not have access to those areas."
"So, you did not see him being born."
"No, I didn't."
"So, it could well be that he was not born at all."
"But I told you that I knew him."
"Please answer my question."
"Yes, yes," the judge said, "Just answer the questions put to you, 677."
"I put it to you that Rama was never born." The plaintiff's lawyer banged his fist on the table.
"Wrong."
The typist typed furiously, "It is wrong to say that Rama was not born at all."
"At what age did you interact with Rama?"
"When he was around fifteen."
"I put it to you that just as you were born at the age of sixty, Rama was born at the age of fifteen."
"Wrong." The typist typed, "It is wrong to state that Rama was born at the age of fifteen."
There was some murmuring around the courtroom. Someone shouted, "Don't insult my God!" The giggly judge said, "Damn. If this was a movie, I'd have a gavel in my hand, and I could say, 'Order! Order!' I'll retire in six months without ever having said it!"
"Learned Brother!" came the groan.

"Where was Rama born on that night?"
"In Ayodhya."
"Can you show me the palace on this map?" the lawyer said, taking out a map of Ayodhya.
The witness peered at the map closely and pointed to a spot and said, "Here!"
It was the place right under the central dome of the destroyed mosque.
"But you said you hadn't seen him being born."
"Well, that was the delivery room in the palace."
"Delivery room?"
"Yes. There were so many women in the palace, and so many children being born that the palace had one. You know, I can even tell you where he was conceived."
"Conceived? I thought the king just gave his wives some nectar and they conceived."
The witness erupted into a volcano of laughter. "Valmiki wrote in metaphors you know! Nectar! Hahahaha!"
The giggly judge roared with laughter. "Learned Brother!"
Then the judge asked, "What do you mean by lots of children being born?" The typist began to type, when the judge asked him not to.
"Oh, the palace was a fairly wild place, My Lord. If you played your cards right, you could get fairly lucky."
"Damn. I'm telling you. I should've been born five thousand years ago."

"Lets get back to the point here," the lawyer continued, "Babies were usually born in this 'delivery room'. But not necessarily."
"I don't know of a baby who wasn't."
"Rama?"
"He was."
"Did you see him being born?"
"No."
The typist typed away, the plaintiff's lawyer exasperatedly stoop up and said, "My Lords! I have already gone through this. The Amar Chitra Katha clearly shows a room where the queens are lying on beds. This must be a delivery room."
"That's a matter for argument, My Lords! No point raising it now."
"Yes, Counsel. Go on with the cross-examination."
"How do you know the delivery room was at this exact spot."
"I have seen it. I used to go there to bless the children."
"Did you bless Rama there?"
"No..."
Type, type.

"Now, PW 677, lets come to the other important question. What were you doing in the year of 1528?"
"AD or BC?"
"AD."
"There was a Kumbh-Mela at Sangam. I came down from the Himalayas for it. I lost my brother there."
"Did you pass via Ayodhya?"
Guiltily, the witness said, "Yes. We aren't supposed to have any material pleasures, according to our dharma. But you see, I had a sentimental attachment to the land of my birth. So, I came here."
"Did you see a mosque in the city?"
"They were building one."
"Were 'they' Babur?"
"No. 'They' were some masons and daily labourers."
"Did Babur commission the mosque?"
"I don't know who Babur is."
The judge whispered to his brother, "He doesn't know Babur. No wonder he hasn't got a haircut. Teehee."
The other judge whispered back, "Really, Learned Brother, are you on drugs?"
"Abbey, Learned Brother, you were the one arguing yesterday that the place of birth is a juristic person."
"Well, it is!"
"God save this country from judges like you."
"Just for that, I'm going to dissent."
"Learned Brothers! Maintain decorum!" the third judge said.

"PW 677, do you know Humayun?"
"Of course! He was this monkey who used to hang around Rama."
Type, type.

The lawyer, quite pleased with himself, said, "I have no more questions."
***