Not an Interview With The Milkman

I usually don't like allowing guest bloggers on this blog, but Xebo's been asking for a while - he interviewed me sometime ago, and doesn't have any other place to publish the interview, because, frankly, no one wants to read it. For the uninitiated, Xebo has been my closest imaginary friend ever since I can remember myself. He is my staunchest critic, a nasty, unemployed, no-gooder ... Okay, he's not letting me finish that sentence. So, over to him.
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Xebo: Good day, readers. Today, we have with us a special guest...
Me: Cut to the chase, da.
X: I recently read a report from a psychologist who claims that you are sexually (CENSORED)... and that is why you claim that you do not watch pornography.
M: I'm sorry, I don't want to discuss that report. And I do not watch pornography on moral grounds.
X: Sex is immoral?
M: Sex with milkmen, or on islands definitely is... Especially when you're running a temperature.
X: Are you evading these questions because you agree with the contents of the report, and you do not want them to be disclosed?
M: No comment.
X: Your first interview, and the celebrity lingo is already in place! (Smiles all around) Another report from a close friend reveals that the name...
M: Whoa! NO! NO COMMENT. NO COMMENT.
X: What are your opinions on the question of whether Rama built the bridge?
M: The matter is sub judice, and I wouldn't wish to comment on the same.
X: What can you comment on?
M: Um, the weather?
X: The weather... Yes. Um, I was at your convocation recently, when you were told of the dangers of climate change. You must today be proud that a Nobel Laureate, Dr. Pachauri, was the Chief Guest at your Convocation.
M: That I will never be. I mean, he gave the most depressing speech in history, I didn't see the point of my degree - what use is the degree if we will all die in twenty years?
X: Seriously, you should crack a new joke once in a while - it has been two months, and you crack that one at least once a day!
M: To different people. Nobody's heard that twice.
X: I have.
M: Not my fault that you're always around!
X: Are there any other jokes that you keep repeating?
M: What is the characteristic or attribute of being a lock?
X: That's not even an original joke.
M: Anu Malik said, "Nothing is orginal, everything is inspired."
X: You say that all the time too. In fact, this is a trend. You have some five jokes in your life, and you repeat them at every given opportunity. For instance, let me cite two instances from this blog. In Love Brinjal - Part I, you say "In an interview, Vishwanathan Anand said that no two women can make the same rasam. They might have learnt from the same person and follow the same recipe, but the rasam is never the same." And then, in your Untitled bullshit story, "...on how no two South Indian women can make the same rasam even if they follow the same recipe..."
M: The contexts are very different, lending the jokes their diverse nature.
X: Elaborate.
M: Um...
X: Fucked you.
M: I was just formulating the right response. The thing is, in one case, I am talking of Vishwanathan Anand, and in another case, it is of an old grandfather. It shows how opinions transcend generations. Basically, history is circular. So is morphology. Haven't you read Circularity of History by Bazouki?
X: Apart from the fact that no such book or author exist, I love the way you use names and titles to defend your opinions. You're such a wannabe academic!
M: Academic, I might be. But wannabe?!
X: Then why do you watch movies you don't understand?
M: I understand the movies I watch. Want me to write a review of Persona?
X: Stop getting defensive. I didn't even mention Persona. I've always thought that you overrate many things just because names are attached to them. You're dying to be counted amongst the cool.
M: That's such bullshit. Just because I slept off while watching 2001 for the first time...
X: You're giving all the right examples.
M: Pah!
X: Tell me the name of the last book you read in entirety. In Entirety.
M: Klingsor's Last Summer, ha.
X: Damn. I was hoping you'd mention that other book you gave up midway - I'm sure you'll claim to have read it to everyone.
M: I never do that.
X: Shame?
M: Shame?
X: Rushdie - Shame.
M: I skipped one chapter in the middle. One chapter.
X: And two at the end, and one more somewhere else maybe.
M: It doesn't have that many chapters.
X: Exactly my point - you hardly read any of the book. Getting back to coolness value - I think that is the reason why you're reading that Adam Smith book now.
M: That is so untrue.
X: I mean you dont even follow what you're reading most of the time - you just stare at the page and look intelligent. Just like you do when you download and read articles on the World Bank.
M: Oh, those I read only for effect.
X: You're whole life is only for effect.
M: Maybe...
X: Oh, we're almost running out of time. Thank you for that candid interview. I hope to having you on this show again later.
M: Not on my blog!!
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And therefore, no guest blogger shall be allowed on this blog!
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