Subtle Subramanian - Part V

Here it is. Part V. By my calculations, the penultimate part. The last one will be real long. For the first four parts, click here. I tried making a "Story so far" section, but it didn't work out too well.
***

"No cell phones."
"Dai, Amma will call."
"Fuck you. I know who will call. That's why I said no cell phones. This is a guys only deal. Where boys celebrate their manhood!"
"Didn't we do enough of that in Engineering college?" Vinod waited for an answer, but didn't get one. Mayur was adamant. He tried reiterating the same point, "Dai, Amma'll actually call."
"Call your 'Amma' and tell her now that you're not going to have a cell phone for a few days. And stop calling her Amma, Oedipus!"
"Dai, I'm serious. It is my Amma..."
"You come without the phone, or you don't come at all."

Vinod actually called his Amma. "Ma, I'm going to this place near Bombay where my college friend has a beach house. Apparently, there's no network there."
Quickly, before he switched his phone off, he sent a message to Lila, 'no phone for three days... mail me if anything... no net also... but i ll try findin a net cafe...'

Switching off the cell phones was an elaborate routine. Seven men, two married, two committed, two who liked to think they were 'players' and Vinod stood in a circle. On Mayur's command, they all turned it off in unison. Then, just so that they didn't cheat, they were asked to put them in a little box which would be left behind in Bombay. Vinod hoped this wasn't a sign of things to come. He wasn't afraid or uncomfortable with his manhood - he was uncomfortable with his other friends' manhoods. They confused manhood with machismo. How manly you are only depended on how many chicks you leched at, what your alcoholic 'capacity' was, how many push-ups you could do, how fast you drove from Madras to Pondicherry, how many times you watched 'Die Hard', and the extent of your knowledge of where to get free porn on the internet.

As they were leaving the house to get into the car, Vinod heard a snippet of a conversation that nearly confirmed his fears.

"Dude, is the plural of manhood menhood?"
"Man, who'd know!"
"Good one! Haha! Subbu, did you get it? 'Man-who'd'!"

But snippets of conversation at the beach house were even more manly.

"Dude, of course I watched the T20 World Cup for the cricket! Who cares about the cheerleaders?"
"Yeah. I mean, we all watch Test Cricket even without cheerleaders."
"But I see nothing wrong with them."
"Or with Mandira Bedi."
"Dude, of course! Mandira... Remember what she wore at the start of the India-Pak game in the 2003 World Cup?"
"No. You sent me a message saying 'Mandira super-hot today...' and by the time I ran to the TV room, they'd covered her up!"
Vinod looked around the room to see misty eyes recollect the 2003 World Cup and Mandira's spag-blouses. He needed another drink desperately.

"Dude, marriage sucks. I haven't watched porn in ages!"
"Oh, that reminds me - I got some stunning porn with European chicks."
"Ooh, that's hot!"
Vinod had a doubt, "How do you know they're European? They could be any white chick..."
"Dude, the passion, the feel - they're definitely European."
"But how does it make a difference?"
"How does what make a difference?"
"Whether they're European or not? The end effect is the same."
"You wont know, da. You have real chicks to do now."
"Who?!"
"That chick on TV - stock market - breakfast show - you're doing her, aren't you? She's having bogus breakfast on the show, and our Subbu for dinner."
"No!"
"What? You're just friends?" Mayur asked sarcastically.
"Yeah. We are. In fact, she's got a boyfriend. Dude, you remember Sharma who lived in Tarnaka?"
"She's going out with Sharma?!"
"Yeah."
"Why? What's this guy like?" asked another.
Vinod thought for a second before he said, "Think of a really serious and boring guy."
"Arun Lal."
"Perfect! This guy is a young Arun Lal who doesn't even play cricket."
"So, what are you in this equation?"
"I'm just a friend."
"Gay!" two of them muttered in unison.
"But you like her?"
"No... I mean, not romantically."
"Gay!"
"So, she's like your sister."
"No da. Just a friend."
"Gay!"
"But don't you at least want to do her?"
"No da. I don't think of her that way."
"Gay!"
"Explain yourself."
"See, there are women you want to do," Vinod elucidated, "Those are the Mallika Sherawat types - you just want to get into their pants. And then there's the second sort - the ones you love..."
"Gay!"
"Let him finish."
"Haan, the ones you love. If they love you back, then you get into their pants, but that's not the main attraction or the headlining band, its only a opening act, no pun intended. And then there's the third sort, whom you just like."
"And this one's the second sort?"
"Third."
"Bulla!"
"I'm serious."
"But she's hot. For me, she's the first sort."
"Yeah, dude. I've started having breakfast only to see her on the breakfast show. And she tempts people with the stock recommendations she makes."
"That'd make for a great study - how her recommendations affect stock prices. I mean, a fair share of investors watch her."
"I don't think it'd make any difference."
"Why?"
"See, people never understand what she's talking about - they're too enamoured by what she looks like."
Mayur got up, and staggered and fell again. "Oh, dude... You realise how drunk you are only when you get up to go to the loo!"
Vinod said, "Here," offering to help Mayur up. He got Mayur on his feet, but only momentarily. Both of them collapsed in a heap, and were on top of each other.
"Gay!"
"Subbu, I'm the first sort-aa?" Mayur asked.
"Fuck you... Get me another drink!"

Vinod got very drunk before he teetered to the balcony facing the sea and declared, "Lila! I admit! You're the second sort! Second Sort! Second Sort!"
His friends joined in the chant, "Second Sort! Second Sort! Second Sort..." The sea chanted with them in the same rhythm as the waves lashed against the rocks just as they'd been doing since they could remember their existence.
***

"Sen?" Lila asked, as the two left the studio after the Breakfast Show.
"Yeah?"
"Listen, I have these two tickets to this concert by this band..."
"What kind of music?"
"Rock-n-roll."
"Nah. Not interested. But, what happened to your boyfriend?"
"Um, well, we broke up... Two days ago."
"Oh, I'm-I'm sorry."
"I'm not. I'm glad! Anyway, I'll just tell this friend of mine that I don't feel up to coming for her show."
"Her show?"
"Yeah. This friend of mine called Shweta is the lead singer."
"Oh, then I'm game."
"Female lead singers are a turn on, eh?"
"No. There's this theory amongst us guys that every Shweta in the world is hot."
"I know a non-hot Shweta."
"So do I, but the exception proves the rule. See, in life how one uses this theory is, suppose one was blind dating, and had a choice between meeting a Shweta and say, a Shruti, go for the Shweta. Or if you heard that a friend of yours is bringing his cousin Shweta along for a movie, go for the movie, even if you have that second coffee date with the mildly attractive Sahana."
"Lila's a fairly hot name also."
"Hmmm. The only other one I know was my English teacher in school called Leelavathi. So, I don't think I have the relevant sample size to make a fair comment."
"So, you'll come for the concert?"
"Yeah."
***

Vinod signed into his mail account to find, amongst many advertisements asking him offering him a larger member for very low prices, two mails from Lila. The first one had no subject. The other one said, "NEWS!" Vinod opened the one without the subject.

Vin,
Hi. I'm hoping you're at a cyber place near your beach house... Really need to talk to you. I dumped Sharma. Feeling really low, although I shouldn't be. I mean, he's such a jerk. Need someone around... Call as soon as you see this mail.

Love, Lila.

Vinod picked up his phone to call her, when he realised that he should read the other mail.

Vin,
Lots of things happened suddenly. Sen, who reads the news with me (youve met him a couple of times) asked me out. We went for this concert and he dropped me home in a taxi... he asked me out in front of the bewildered taxi driver... i thought about it overnight and said yes this evening...

come back fast... lots to catch up on.

Love, Lila
***

Ramesh got the feeling that God believed in compensation after all. He attended this discourse on philosophical issues where the Swamiji said that for everything in this world, there is an opposite, a mirror, light dispels darkness, but only until it lasts, the wave rises, but falls again, night comes, only to be followed by day, and so on and so forth. When his latest passengers got into the taxi, he finally understood what the Swamiji meant. His wife had thwarted his plans of catching Chak De! India in the theatre with a grim reminder of the fact that the show meant that they would have to skip dinner for a couple of days. His frustration showed in his driving as he cursed each person on the road until it turned into a game of sorts - he was inventing new and innovative curses for each person. Halfway through the night, he realised that he'd been driving with the handbrake on all the while. He cursed every part of his taxi. Yet, he was compensated. An angel was sitting in his taxi. Plus, she was sitting in that exact spot from where he could see her in the mirror. The boy with her was a minor bother, but he could deal with his face in the mirror once in a while. When they reached her place, the boy got off and almost immediately started talking.

"Lila, I've tried to tell you this today evening in so many ways at so many different points in time. But words fail me. Its ironic that for someone whose job is talking, I cant convey something to another person. I'm just at a loss for words. Uh, actually, um, I guess that's a stupid thing to say, considering I've been talking all evening... To get to the point, I-I-I love you." Ramesh glared at them now, "I've liked you for ever. I know this is a bad time for you, but I-I-I cant hold these thoughts within me for longer. If I do, they'll just erupt and I'll kiss you on the Breakfast Show or something. In more precise words, will you go out with me?"

Lila was speechless. She said, "Ok. That's the first time a guy's given me an asking-out speech."

There was a long pause, during which the taxi driver looked anxiously at Lila. It was obvious that he was on Sen's side. Sen looked like he was waiting for an approaching meteor to land on his head. Lila was somewhere between shock and amazement. None of them had expected this, least of all the taxi driver.

After an eternity, Lila managed to blurt out, "Um, ok, I need some time... I'll tell you."
"Say yes, mey-dam," the taxi driver butted in.
"Bhai-saab, please. Aap beech mein..." Sen started
"Chill. This is quite an event in his life also." Lila said.
"Ok. Think about it then," Sen said, with the words coming out all together.
"Y-Y-Yeah. I-I'll see you tomorrow then."
"Its a Saturday. No Breakfast Show."
"Oh, yeah. Monday..."
"Monday."
"Goodnight, then."
"Goodnight..."

Both of them made half-attempts towards a hug, and pulled out. And then, Lila said, "What the fuck! Just hug me." When they did, Sen felt a little tear on his neck and melted in its warmth.
***

She said yes?! And now she wanted to catch up?! Vinod stared at his screen in disbelief. He was away discussing the finer aspects of European porn when his lady was stolen from under his nose. His Inner Voice told him that it was time for drastic action.
"You also ask her out. I mean, if she can suddenly say yes to that guy, she can say no to him, and yes to you also."
"If I hadn't listened to you last time, I'd've never known her. And I wouldn't be feeling this bad about life today. So, fuck off."
Vinod realised much later that his Inner Voice, as always, was right.
***
Thodarum. (No, dear North Indians, I am not asking for a little alcohol!)